Never Once

Current Jam:


I spent this past weekend with Lindsay. We've been dating for a month now (which at times it seems incredible how fast 1 month went) and we're starting to uncover each others spiritual and emotional intricacies that make us who we are. Aside from being super excited to see her after 2 weeks and meeting many many new people (all of whom were great), I was really looking forward to a conversation that we had today. It began with talking about vulnerability and apathy and just more of an overall, "this is what I'm struggling with" kinda deal. Something that has been key in our relationship is God's faithfulness. I whole-heartedly believe that God brought us together for his glory. Whether we get old and die together, or we're only together a few more months, God has a plan and is teaching both of us something that we cannot be taught without pursuing this relationship. More importantly is the fact that God is revealing himself to me through Lindsay, in a way that cannot be understood without her.

The song above had been on my heart a lot recently after I heard it Friday night when it was playing in Katie's car when I was dropping Linds off with her. (maybe some background of what happened this weekend would be helpful. Friday I went to Eastern, got a tour and met some cool people, then went to an amazing campfire with more cool people before heading to lancaster to drop Lindsay off with Katie for the night. In the morning my friend Jarrod got married, which Lindsay, Katie, Jake and I attended. Post wedding and reception, Lindsay and I watched a movie at my house whilst awaiting Shelby to arrive at her house for the second of Lindsay's sleepovers in as many days. Sunday morning I played drums at two services at church and then played some good football before a great nap and then around 8 I headed out to meet Lindsay to head back to Eastern for the night. Back at Eastern I went to a worship service and then played Dutch blitz with Addison and Linds till maybe 1:30? I stayed with Addison and his roommates (cool guys) for the night and woke up around 7:45 to get up and go to breakfast with more people. After breakfast we were debating spontaneously driving to the beach but that was denied through availability of the current party, which turned out to be a better option because Lindsay and I then just traipsed the campus before settling at the base of a tree to indulge in the aforementioned conversation. Then I drive home.)(You may need to reread the beginning of this paragraph.) So whenever I had an opportunity, I was playing the song "Never Once". It is such a declaration of who God is to me all the time, even when I don't necessarily realize his presence. It reminds me that there has never been a time that I was alone. Even though I may feel so, it hasn't happened. That's not because of God not revealing Himself, It's because of me not seeking Him. As I was spending my time with Lindsay I continued to meditate on the lyrics of the song and apply it to our relationship. Even though she was at school and i was being a bum at home, we weren't alone, we are together. While we aren't physically right beside each other, my thoughts, prayers and actions are focused in such a way that we are. God reveals himself all the more through this because the action should be the same. Except, God is physically beside me at all times, though not visible, or necessarily tangible, He can be felt, He can heal, He can speak, He can listen. "You are faithful, God, You are faithful."

Balance

Current Jam:


This song just speaks to me as a person, as one half of a relationship or friendship, as a part of a small group, as a part of the body of Christ. We each have our own, unique voices that are beautiful, and when we put them together it creates more beauty and wonder.

The question then becomes, how loud do I sing, how quiet, which harmony. The trick is finding that balance that evens out the scales, keeps the teams fair, allows siblings to have the same amount of dessert.

Balance is the current theme running through my mind. How to balance the transition from camp to not camp, from community living to my own room/house, from seeing Linds every day to every couple days, every week, every 2 weeks... Not saying that not being able to see her all the time is a bad thing, just different and causes me to shift my weight to balance a boat. Sometimes I'll shift too much and the boat will flip, but thus is life. Just get back in and keep going.

I was reading in Matthew 5-7 today (the sermon on the mount) and some verses stood out to me.
Matthew 6 "19Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
The balance the incurs when we live in a materialistic society in the United States, where I have money to buy lots of stuff, and have lots of stuff worth more money than I have to spend. With all the stuff that there is, where is the balance? Where does the line come in that shows that I'm storing up on earth? I'm definitely attached to my computer, guitar, car. I guess I should let them go because they can rust and be stolen? I'm just having a hard time fully comprehending the truth and value in this verse. I also have a hard time thinking I'm fine where I'm at because so many other people have stored up way much more than I have and therefore I am better than them. That's when I think about India, Africa, Asia. What do they have to store up? Food? Dirt? Fabric? No, They are storing up treasures in Heaven. Love, Hope, Generosity, Humility. I want to desire these attributes in my life. I just have to find that balance.

Party Rock

I can't get this song out of my head.



It's been a while since I have endeavored to put my thoughts and feelings and emotions into a somewhat sensible, written form. I am not going to attempt to conquer them tonight but I just thought that I should let you know that I plan on getting back into writing often since I am not consumed with Camp. Some things that you readers should know that has happened since last writing are: I have a current furious passion for great chill, celticish music. I have a long standing desire to pursue Music in some shape or form while furthering my education somewhere that has yet to be looked into. I just finished my fifth summer at Black Rock Retreat. It was one of the most trying summers yet because of a switch up of my role from counseling to program, however it was the most rewarding summer in terms of growth and relational bonds formed and strengthened. I am in a relationship with an amazing person!

Be On Guard

“Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love.” 1 Corinthians 16:13-14.

A couple weeks ago I was at a prayer night with some of my good friends and the essence of these verses came to my head while we were praying for me. I didn’t know the reference at the time but just the idea of standing firm was repeating in my head. Now yesterday at Church I was reading along with my pastor as he was preaching on the end of 1 Corinthians. I was slightly uninterested in the fact that Paul himself was writing the last couple verses and not letting a scribe write for him, so my eyes wandered the page. It was a really cool realization for me since I had prayed that verse over myself with these guys, weeks before I knew that it was an actual verse.

The part that was resonating in my head a couple weeks ago was stand firm in the faith. Just to hold to what you believe. Recently I’ve been somewhat purposefully questioning what I believe more so in regards to church services and what that should entail but also in regards to my personal journey through life. I haven’t really come up with any conclusions yet but I really feel that God is going to take the Church somewhere that it’s never been and all the churches that follow his lead will be blessed. Not that the churches that don’t follow will be cursed, but something is going to happen and the Church needs to follow, whether it’s similar to tradition, or it’s completely different.

But more so in the past few days I’ve been thinking about the, “be on guard” part. There are so many different ways that the enemy can steer you into dead ends and off roads and where you aren’t supposed to be. Now I’m still trying to figure out where I should be. However, that really isn’t my concern, I’ll end up where God wants me to be whether I tried to get there or not. The worst is when Satan throws thoughts in your head, but when there are also pure thoughts. Which is which? I find it so hard to distinguish between pure desires and corrupt desires. Maybe sometimes I think that the corrupt desire is actually a pure desire until I’m neck deep in a situation and realize, “hey, you aren’t God.” Then on the contrary, I don’t follow pure desires sometimes because I think it will be to hard to do, or it’s easier to follow the corrupt ones. As I’m writing this I feel like Paul a little bit in Romans 7-8. He’s writing about how his sin causes him to do wrong things that he does not want to do because he wants to do the right thing. But him talking about this isn’t to complain, so don’t get that idea. The answer to his questions is Christ Jesus. Then Chapter 8 starts with “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” He isn’t complaining about his desire to do good things but his nature is to do bad things. He’s simply acknowledging this and letting the church know that it’s human to fail and fail a lot.

This is not an actual experience just a thought/story.

What does a touch mean in today’s culture? What does a simple graze of the fingers when exchanging a bag or an ipod, or a high five that lingers way longer than it should, or a one of those really long friendly hugs imply. The mind will take these completely harmless things and turn them into a multitude of questions that can drive someone crazy. Now, say this “touchy feely” attitude from a girl towards a guy continues throughout a few weeks. What’s the impression that the guy is getting? As a guy I’m getting, hey this girl likes me. Ok so now I think this girl likes me. Ok that’s cool; let’s see where it goes. I ask her out/tell her about how I’m feeling. Sweet things are good; we start to hang out more and more. Here’s where things unwind in my mind. When things are completely fine, everything’s great, she runs. Why, where are you going, why are you running, nothing bad is happening, it’s actually good for both of us and you know it. So why run. What are you running to? Oh right, nothing, because you are running from something. If you don’t have anything to run to, why are you running from something good? I could understand if things weren’t going well or there are things that we are struggling through or we don’t live near each other. You’re running from me to nothing, I didn’t do anything, but you are running. You can’t run forever. Maybe you’ll eventually start running to something but right now, you have no relational goals. Maybe in the future you’ll come back, I’ll let you go, but maybe you’ll come back. But Maybe I won’t be here when you do.

Shout outs to Anonymous

The following is a description of some important people in my life, without mentioning their real names (I used fake ones)

(in no particular order)
Hannah - you are a great female friend of mine. Even in the short ish amount of time that I’ve really known you, we’ve developed a strong bond that I hope continues to grow stronger. At first it took multiple hours of shopping and eating dinner and driving for me to even attempt to open up but since then I’ve been so encouraged by your strength given all circumstances involved in your life. And despite your troubles, you still find time to hold your friends up when they are struggling. You are truly an inspiration.

Annie – you are also a great female friend. I’ve known you longer than Hannah, but still, it hasn’t been all that long of a time, especially looking at the times we’ve actually been in the same neighborhood. In the past couple of months, our friendship has been renewed immensely and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Sometimes you care and focus too much on other people and school and work that you forget to give yourself time to relax. You are realizing this though, so it’s time to work on that!

Michael – I’ve known you all my life and we’ve been around each other for most of that time. The past few years we’ve been going our separate ways but that’s growing up I guess. Over those past few years you’ve matured a lot. I kind of don’t want you to have matured sooo much because that means less stupid fun, but it does mean more meaningful conversation and experiences, which I guess are more important. We won’t ever completely lose our idiocy, so that’s good. I am looking forward to a summer full of you.

Gary – Well, similarly to Michael, the past few years we have experienced less and less of each other. Again, thus is life. You are or maybe you were once my biggest competition in anything. Sports, music, school. You won most battles, but I relished in your defeats. I am always encouraged by your intellectual point of view and you bring me to see things from angles that I hadn’t before seen. I shall see you soon my brother, you ridiculously good looking Man.

Kelly – We’ve definitely had our ups and downs. But through it all we are still somehow friends. You’ve been there for me when I desperately needed it, and vice versa. You are a gorgeous young woman after God’s heart and you care for everyone way too much more that you care about yourself. However, you want to be successful, and to this point, I think you’ve done that. You’ve struggled through school and jobs and you are still going strong, even if you don’t feel like you are. For everything about yourself that you think is bad, there are two great qualities.

Chris – You and I basically run together, and not physically either. I’ve known you for the shortest amount of time on this list but since then it’s just been good time after great time after fantastic time. I really love playing music with you whenever. It’s just a freeing feeling because for the most part when we play it’s not about structure or routine but it’s about just having fun and really enjoying what we are doing.

Johnny – We should hang out more than we do but that’s coming hopefully. I love the randomness that ensues after we decide to chill or hangout or whatever. We’ve had some great talks while my car died and hopefully many more to come, sans the car dying part.

Jack – Dude, I miss you and late nights just because that’s what is supposed to happen. I am always encouraged by your heart for God, it’s so strong and really amazes me, but it also challenges me because awesome things are happening in your life so therefore I want great things to happen to me which in turn causes me to strive toward God more.

MMM Smoothie

I have recently felt like my life was thrown in a blender and now I’m trying to figure out all the ingredients. 1 of them is work, which I do every weekday 11-5 and Saturdays 11-9. It’s definitely worth it to be working, but sometimes I just want to be doing something else. I’ll get there eventually I guess. Ingredient 2 is youth group. I love hanging out with some of the older guys and gals at my youth group and leading all of them in worship. The Sr. High guys small group that I started is also going pretty well. They haven’t really opened up to sharing with everyone yet but they are a lot of fun to just hang out with. Ingredient 3 is Church. Being a key member of multiple worship teams for Sunday services is great, but it also means me being at the church by 7 for first service practice, running out of that service around 8:45 to get to third service practice, which needs to end around 9:40 because of Sunday school. By the time we lead for the third service I am extremely tired and don’t really enjoy being there anymore. On top of that, other worship leaders don’t have guitarists or percussionists and they want me to join, which for everyone else in the church is what I should do. (However, me playing would make the music a lot better in my opinion.), but I can’t be on every team, it’s just too much. I think ingredient 4 would have to be friendships and just hanging out. I try to spend as much time as I can with my close friends. My work schedule and their school/homework schedules don’t always work out, but I do my best to see Jake, Barry, Darren, Katie, Josh, and Jeremy every week. There are many more ingredients being mixed together but I’m still trying to figure them out and how predominant they are in the smoothie of my life. Music is in there, writing/reading is there, and video games are another flavor mixed in there. The great thing about it is that God is the one doing all the blending so he kind of fits into all of these aspects (when I decide that he’s allowed to join.)

On another note, I thoroughly enjoy being 21 and going to Annie Bailey’s to hang out with others of that age and older. On the non-busy nights, (non weekends) it is extremely relaxing and fun. I’m learning what kind of drinks I like and which ones I don’t enjoy which helps in me actually knowing what I’m doing at a bar and not fumbling over what exactly I want or am trying to order.