Things Are Not Okay.

I'm not Okay

Sure, I smile at things I enjoy. I laugh at things that are funny. I go to work which I generally enjoy. We get up in the morning and check the phone, get dressed and get on with our day. We eat lunch and dinner and binge Netflix at night while we chill. Meanwhile we fight our brothers like it is still the 1800's. We eradicate thousands of unborn humans before they have a say in the matter. We desensitize our brains with tweets and snaps. We refuse to have conversations with someone who has differing and conflicting perspectives to our own. One of my best friends in High School puts a pistol to his head and pulls the trigger.

I'm not Okay

Am I just a husk? Sometimes I don't feel anything anymore. I see other people, friends even, as inferior. I put myself above all of them because they don't have my experiences and therefore can't come to the perfect answer that I have; whatever that may be. What would it take for someone to truly see me? Just me. Not my many faces and slew of characters that I pull out of a hat at random to wear for the day. The me that is naked and suffering, broken and unhinged.

To Be Continued...

It's been a while, sup Blogger world. I have this habit of wanting to write, then not wanting to, then wanting to again. It is a vicious cycle. Anyway, here I am, back to writing mushy feelings and fleeting thoughts.

 Fellowship is important. Whenever I begin to see a decline in my general emotional, mental, or spiritual health, I can often track the beginning of that back to myself disconnecting from the people around me. Why do I disconnect? Who knows. Possibly because I feel that I've been wronged by people so why let them get close. But this doesn't make sense to me because I believe that I am quite open and vulnerable with friends about what is on my mind and things that have happened to me previously. Or possibly, I think that I am better off on my own without all these inferior minds and emotions getting all up in my way. But then that's not what I'm all about either because I really do love my friends. Hmmm. Quite an interesting place to be now that I realize that I've been anti-social (partially) and seeing again the value of fellowship with my Bros and Sisters.

 My Current Jam:

Mercy vs. Grace

Mercy = Pardon

Grace = Forgiveness

Mercy = No emotional change necessary

Grace = I love you regardless

Mercy = I still don't necessarily like you or what you've done

Grace = I don't care what you've done but I care about who you are.

Current Jam:

Love

Fun video I made in Highschool. Probably my favorite project to work on.


Love is such a loaded word in not only my life, but society in general today. What does it mean? Unconditional? Passion? Care? Friends? Relationships? Sex? Recently God has been pounding the principles of love into me. Personally, as a Christian, I've been growing tired of the here's love spelled out to you in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. It's often referred to as the "love" chapter, but as humans we can never fully completely understand what depth of love God has for us. But just like so many other times as I read passages and single verses of scripture, I forget the context of the passage. Sure 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 can stand alone, but we often forget about verses 1-3 and 8-13. The context is that of spiritual gifts, especially Prophesy and Tongues. Paul is talking about having these gifts and not having love, and how you gain nothing through that. He then goes into what Love is and is not. Then he states that Love is eternal, but these gifts will pass away, that they are only necessary in the short term. Three things will last forever, faith hope and love and the greatest of these is love.

So now that I've preached to you on the context of Love, what does that mean, and why am I talking about it. I'm someone who is looking for love, aren't we all? But it's not always that unconditional Love God has that I'm searching for. I as a human in the flesh, desire worldly "love" or as the bible calls it, lust. I have to admit, I've definitely had some pretty bad moments, being caught up in lust, and day to day, I walk the fine line, sometimes walking on the lust side, and sometimes walking on the love side.

I've had two serious relationships in my life, both lasting just for a few months, but pretty serious none the less. For being a 21 yr. old guy in today's world, that's a pretty empty list, and coming from a guy in today's world, it's an empty list. Currently, it's been about a year and 4 months since I've been in a relationship, and seeing my friends and peers, both older, and younger, be in relationships is starting to take its toll on my desire. Yes, I have friends that are much older than me, and similarly experienced in their ways of relationships, but I am writing about me and for me right now, so sorry if you read this and think I have no reason to be struggling since you have been for more months and years than I have.

Me right now = multiple girls, who I have decent friendships with and can see myself dating them, even marrying them given the right circumstances. All of them, I've told that I liked them at one point in time, but have since backed of because of other relationships, current circumstances, common sense, past history, and straight up fear of rejection and disappointment. I like these women, not only because they have nice teeth, and are awesome, and great to hang out with, and know a good deal about who I am and where I've been, but because I desire something that they can give me, whether it's a good idea or not. In the sermon my pastor preached this morning he said "Love can wait to give, Lust cannot wait to take" This is extremely true. However, I find myself rationalizing it because for me, it's not sex and extreme physical encounters that I desire. I want a relationship to be gentle, caring, honest, and extremely laid back. So, in my mind, i'm not really "taking" anything, however, I can't wait. So if I truly desire Love, I need to learn patience, unless I want to live a lust-filled life.

Probably like many of you, I often ask the question, "when is it my turn." "where is the love of my life" "why can't I be in a relationship, or married" I thought I had found this my Senior year. We had a great friendship, never dated. We decided we were going to the end of april prom together, mid january. We got to know each other really well. We have a heart for ministry in a camp setting, we love music(or do we lust music?haha), I hadn't really let her know that I liked her as more than friends till around may or so (yes, I am extremely timid and scared when it comes to these things) however, due to circumstances of our paths of life and current schooling, it was basically Impossible. After a year of school, that flame had for the most part disappeared, more for her than me, but what can I do, force someone to like me. It wouldn't have worked anyway because of circumstances with the next year of school. So here I am, one relationship, and a year and seven months later, and I find myself thinking about her, but in a different way. It's at times when I'm worshipping, or reading scripture, especially passages that mention love, and I get a desire to pray for her. Coincidence, perhaps, God working, definitely, for what purpose, I have no clue what so ever.

Questions that you may have: would I date her if things worked out? Heck yes, but if it doesn't, that's not God's plan. Are you saying that Guys think about the little stuff too? Well I do, but I'm not like a lot of guys, so, they should. Would I date you? Depends on who you are and why you want to date me.(was a fun questionnaire thought like the facebook survey's and stuff.) Are you saying that Love and Lust can look the same? Absolutely, at least they can appear the same, it's the motive that determines which you have. (question time is over)

God has recently been putting a lot of scriptures about love in my life, and I've been eating them up. They're delicious.

What this blog basically amounts to is:
I'm impatient, selfish, extremely open, and I want to be dating someone right now. In my mind, not necessarily in a lust-filled way, but the fact that It's difficult to wait makes it appear so. I relived my senior year, and didn't get mad or regret parts of those days(weird). Scripture needs to be taken within context, even the love chapter. God knows and I don't and that's really hard to swallow. I'm like a girl with my emotions?

And, you probably want to date me.

Relax

So I was at Eastern this weekend with a friend of mine who was visiting the school as a prospective student. It was so great to chill on that beautiful campus again and re-enter college life. It is such an awesome atmosphere. I took time to just relax and enjoy the beautiful weather by playing ultimate with some people from their club team. I didn't get much sleep, but not much was required because of how great the days were. This also makes me excited to return to college (audition pending). I have officially been accepted to LBC but I still need to get into the worship arts program through my audition which is a week from today. I think I finally decided on songs that I want to do, which is a relief because that part was extremely hard with all the great songs out there. Also really contemplating a tattoo in the next month or two.

Current Jam:

Madness

March Madness is probably my favorite sports "event" of the year. So many teams, many winners of their respective conferences, come together to determine the best in the nation. And always, the unexpected happens. This year, two 2 seeds lost to 15 seeds. It is so improbable that hardly anyone picks them to be upset, which results in many brackets (including my own) being busted and chances of winning a pool go way down if you had them going far, or go way up if you had them losing early. It's so much Madness!

Current Jam:

Spring

Even though I am ready for Summer to be here, Spring has to come first. A time of regeneration, growth, healing and newness. So far this year, my "Spring" which is still Winter technically, has been just that. Moving forward with shows, getting into a regular schedule, revamping the other aspects of my life that disappeared during rehearsals. Now that I am having time to myself not involving sleep I have been able to work on my audition for LBC. I am still figuring out which songs to play, but I am really excited about it and pray that God leads me, and those I am auditioning for, into a place of worship, if even for a short amount of time while auditioning.

Current Jam:

Nights

I am so thrilled for the warm weather. I spent the evening walking around lancaster. Started at prince st, went next door to the creamery, headed back to my car to get my lighter and smoked my pipe while I walked around a few blocks and ended at the square. Went to Annie Bailey's for half an hour or so and had a drink, then on my way back to my car, got some chinese food. It was a great evening, but not what I had planned. I had planned that some friends would actually show up to prince st. because I told them I would be there to hang out. Instead they had their own get together, even though they should have known that I was in Lancaster. I felt disrespected and abandoned. Like my plans aren't cool enough, Monopolized even. I know it was not their intent, but now that I think about my night, I wouldn't have it any other way, so thank you for doing your own thing everyone. It offered a good amount of time for observation of people, interaction with a pen and reflection of the self.

Current Jam:

Summer

It's not even spring yet, but it would be great if it was already summer. I got to spend some time chillin with some friends that are on spring break, then played some pretty decent volleyball to open up the long season I will be able to have. I am extremely excited to have a full summer. I am extremely sad that I will not be returning to camp this summer, however, I think it will be just as good of a summer. For the past couple summers, I've been thinking about all the activities I could be doing if I wasn't committed to camp. Here is a list of somethings that I want to do:
Multiple beach trips
Volleyball tri-weekly
Many late night campfires
Football weekly
Sport-like activities multi-weekly sans saturdays
Several disc golf adventures
Evenings full of music and friends
Shorts and v-necks all day every day

Current Jam:

Off

So, for the first time in a good while, I have two days off in a row. Today(Sunday) I had off, as well as tomorrow. A good amount of this time when I wasn't playing football was spent working on my audition for LBC. Currently figuring out what key to play songs in, as well as trying to pick which songs to perform (two contrasting pieces.) It is a little bit of a stressful process because I want everything to be perfect and go amazingly, but ultimately, I will have to leave it in God's hands to decide whether I go to LBC or not. It was also good to play music with a purpose again. Not that whenever I play music there isn't purpose, but now there is a reason to really improve and do my best and not just be comfortable where I am at with how advanced I am or am not with instruments and vocals.

Current Jam:(this is for you)

Fail

I totally forgot about blogging yesterday, looks like I have two blogs to catch up on. Today was an extremely long day, but extremely rewarding. We made it through three full shows with minimal technical holds. We just keep getting better and better at adapting to continue the show and it is great. Jonah's transformation from running to unwillingly obeying to anger to brokenness and freedom is such an amazing journey and is so relatable. So often am in one of those moods other than brokenness and freedom. Running from God. Doing His work as a Chore. Being mad at Him. Every day I am seeing more and more where God wants me to look to Him in Love, instead of these other options.

Current Jam:

Hello

So tonight during the friends and family premier of Jonah, we had some minimal technical issues through the first act. One of which requires me to run on stage to drive a set around. I still haven't gotten a real feeling for being able to move it where it needs to go, but it's getting there. While I was behind said set piece, there is a prop that needs to get put up on the stage right side of the piece in plain view. Since the piece is tall in the middle and short on either side, it's kind of difficult to not be seen, especially when you don't know exactly where to put the prop. Thus, I was in plain view of the audience for a good seven seconds or so while I "subtly" put this prop on stage. It is now kind of funny, but I was so mad when it was happening because it's my job to not be seen. Oh well, I will only get better at doing things like that, but that was pretty much the highlight of my day because I got to attempt to sneakily run on and off the stage, without being seen.

Current Jam:

Observation

Today after work I went shopping for some black clothing. Afterwards, I went to Applebee's for some food and a drink. (interesting right?) So, while there, A couple seats over is this lady in her 40's with a stack of papers. Turns out she's a literature and theatre teacher at McCaskey High School in Lancaster. We got to talking a little bit because I mentioned that I worked at Sight and Sound. That part was fun, but I was also watching a married couple across the bar, and another man, a few seats the other way enjoy some ribs. There was a couple in a booth behind me that obviously come there often because they talked to all the servers as friends. The bartender's name was Alex. She was pretty cool and was intent on making sure that everyone had what they needed. I could go on with this, just describing everything that happened. Observation is such a cool tool that we can use to get to know people without even talking to them. Some of us have good deductive skills and can really communicate without words. I love the non verbal side of communication because I like trying to be able to understand a point or idea that someone is trying to get across without them saying anything. It's a fantastic way to really understand someone.

Current Jam:

Rest

Sometimes, rest isn't all about sitting, laying down, taking a nap, or doing nothing. Sometimes it's about going out, doing what you enjoy, having fun. That is what I needed today, and get it I did. Myself and a couple friends from the cast went out for tacos tonight. Man, I just had some great conversation about music and pursuing Worship Arts. Also discussion about where the focus of churches are, basically what I talked about Sunday but with multiple inputs. It was just really refreshing after last weeks 60 hours and these past two days 21 hours of work. Luckily for me, my call time is ten tomorrow, so I get to "sleep in." But I probably won't because I would like to talk to LBC about continuing with my application process for school.

The rest I'm getting currently is from people, music, and getting stuff done. Who the heck am I and what did I do with myself. Who knows, but I like it.

Current Jam: (something from Jonah currently, but I can't reveal that so instead I'll choose this.)

Time

Lost track of time playing final fantasy, must sleep now. will write twice as much someday to make up for today.
Current Jam:

Church

First, If you have an hour watch this:

I'm struggling to know what church means. This video really explains what I believe about church. As I continue to uncover what church is and what I would like to see in a church that I go to, Francis Chan basically sums up what I would like to see in a church that I go to. We the people are the Church (notice the capitals.) He talks a lot about reading scripture and explaining it to Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. The big idea that got me is exegesis versus eisegesis, or taking text and finding the meaning in it versus taking what we want to say and using bits of misinterpreted text to prove it. It's so true. He says "What would your life look like if you started with the Word of God." Another point that he brings up is the fact that church has lost its focus for being fishers of men. The reason for this is the service that we have created. From scripture, it says to make disciples, love one another. I have groups of friends that I hang out with and love and we disciple each other. They are my "church", not the building with people that I am acquaintances with. The Church is meant to be in the world, living with people, loving God and loving people. At around 50:30 he goes into a list of the commands for the Church, very few of which I have experienced in my church experiences. This is not to say that some people aren't living the scriptural idea of the Church, it is something that I believe that churches have lost focus of and need to return to.


This is not the idea that I wrote about forgetting yesterday, I still haven't remembered that, but this was a good one to go off of when I watched the video this morning.

Current Jam:
I didn't know which one to use, so I used both. ps. the RELEVANT Studio version has Kevin from Pentatonix on cello and vocal percussion. word.

Youth

Sometimes I wish I was still young. For all you oldies out there, yes, technically I'm still quite "Young". My desire is to not have responsibilities, even for just a couple days or so. To go to High School during the day, and chill with friends in the evening. I guess I'm just longing for the next week to pass so that a routine of my work schedule can come back, along with parts of my life. I had an important thought I wanted to talk about, but I forgot what it was, so when I remember, I will write about it.


Current Jam:

Down

Today, I am really tired and unwilling to peruse my mind for an interesting thought. Luckily, tomorrow is the last day of this super duper long week, and I finally get a day off on Sunday. It will be right back to the grind on Monday though. I'm slightly down right now, but once I get back into show run schedule, I will have a little more freedom and time to do the things I enjoy that I have not been able to do the past weeks.

Current Jam:

Chillin

Current Jam:

I don't really have anything pressing on my heart to share right now. So I'll just post something I wrote a few years ago. It's about home.

"What is home? Home is free. It is somewhere the troubles of life simply fade away. A place where you are free to do what you want, a paradise. Home is unexplored. You don’t always know what it looks like until you get there. It takes seeking and searching to find. Home is love. It is a place filled with love, you love the place you call home, whether it is tangible or not. To be home is to be here, to be where you are free, to be in a place unexplored, to be where you are...
Loved."

Wrapped

Current Jam:

Went to sleep last night listening to this song, and woke up in the morning to it as well. Coincidence, I think not! I've just felt really blessed these past few days. They have been long and will continue to get longer as we get closer to the opening, but God is just placing His arms around everything in the show. Every department, technical aspect and person is being pulled together by the Lord and it's going to be amazing. If He didn't wrap us up, the days would be never-ending trying to do Jonah on our own. God pulls it all together.

On a separate note yet still relevant, His comfort is so great. I love being able to just enjoy His presence in the secret place. It's somewhere that I would like to be more, yet cannot seem to get on track with seeking the Lord consistently. His Love and Grace are just so amazing and I want to spend more and more time with him.